It started in a timely manner, then it happened another day, then another ... and now sex is something that tenses you so much, that makes you feel so bad, that it has gone from being something wonderful to almost a nightmare. Yes your boy has erectile dysfunction There are many things you can do and they are going to sit both pearls.
What is an erectile dysfunction
Obviously, as you may be thinking, it is a problem related to the ability to have erections. It may be the impossibility of having an erection or having one but incomplete or intermittent so that it does not allow penetration.
If it's something that happens from time to time and it does not generate major discomfort, there is nothing to worry about, it happens to all men (yes, to everyone) or it has happened or will happen to them, and it is most normal. However, if our boy starts to misbehave him, if he repeats himself more and more frequently, if it costs more or more directly or becomes an impossible mission, then we must take action on the matter.
Many women tend to feel responsible or guilty, which is worse: I do not attract him, maybe my vagina has a form that does not excite him ... And it is something that we must part with now: because no, if your partner has erectile dysfunction it is not for those reasons.
When a man has trouble having or maintaining an erection, the first thing we should do is rule out that we are facing some medical problem, that it is something biological. A visit to the GP is a good start.
Some diseases that can cause erectile dysfunction are diabetes, kidney problems or diseases of the heart and blood vessels among others.
If after the relevant tests it is ruled out that it is something medical then we can affirm that it's about something psychological. Depression, anxiety or stress may be behind it.
The treatment also includes you
As I said before, you are not responsible for your dysfunction, but you are your partner, and you have an important role in the treatment, in your recovery.
When in consultation we treat erectile dysfunction we obviously work with the boy. Most of the intervention is aimed at controlling your anxiety and your thoughts about it as they create a vicious circle: I get nervous just in case it happens to me again, but precisely because I got nervous it happens to me again.
What they think before, during and after having sex is key to addressing the situation, and we work on it.
However, you also have a role in all this, because there are aspects that are necessary to work with both of you (as long as there is a couple, if the boy comes alone for consultation this does not apply, obviously).
What should we work together?
Without going into technicalities or the contents of a sexual therapy, there are two general and important things that, if worked together, help a lot in the process.
1. Have a good and healthy communication
Good communication: it is vital that you talk about how you feel, what you think and what you feel, especially you because children with dysfunction tend to imagine what you are thinking and of course, they imagine the worst.
"I'm going to stop liking you," "I won't seem like a real man," "I can't give you pleasure," "I'm sure you're looking at her and disgusting or sorry." (These are real thoughts of patients with erectile dysfunction, so you can get an idea).
If instead of letting him play a fortune teller of thought you tell him what you are really thinking (with love and cousin, it is not about throwing the first thing that comes to mind) you will help him eliminate ghosts and therefore reduce his anxiety.
2. Review your sexual model
However, there is something else that often has to be worked on: the sexual model that the couple has, and here you also enter.
In most cases of erectile dysfunction we find couples for whom real sex, good, satisfying and looking for, pass yes or yes through coitus (It is a coitocentrist sexual model).
Under this model, everything else is a "process" (nice, yes), a curtain that must be seen before the headliner begins. Why does it influence erectile dysfunction? Because if we understand that the real sex, the one that must be had goes through intercourse, toooooda the pressure will ... Right, you guessed it: the penis and its performance. It all depends on having an erection, "it is the star on stage."
And that Pressure It makes anxiety appear, and anxiety makes our boy tense.
Mind you, this is not to hold us accountable, it would be missing more, but we should check if that is the model we have, because it affects a lot.
If we conceive sex as a set of activities that give us pleasure the pressure is diluted ... and on top we win because we expand the sources of pleasure. We have hands, mouths, fingers, legs, necks, etc. To receive and give pleasure, let's not limit ourselves to penis and vagina!
If this is the model you have, you are interested (you are interested) to review it, question its validity and ... change it for a more adaptive, more flexible and more complete one, you will thank both of them. If you also start going to a therapist (something that is most advisable in these cases, because the tendency is to get worse and generate more and more discomfort) the ideal is that you participate in the "duties" that you send (are exercises cool, I assure you).
Some general tips
- Although laughter as a couple is usually recommended, in these cases it is better not to make many jokes, especially at the beginning. Your boy surely feels vulnerable, he will have anxiety ... so that a joke on your part, even if you do it to take away iron, can hurt him more.
- Be affectionate and understanding: it may not seem so important to you, you may think that as soon as he relaxes there will be no problems, but for him it is not so easy or so trivial, so your affection and care will be very important.
- Support him to seek help (and in the therapy itself).
If your boy is having difficulties, if he is having a bad time, talk to him, love him ... and encourage him to seek help from a professional: it will be worth the effort, for both of you. Cheer up!