How long have you been with your partner? Two, three ... eight years? You have already overcome the bad drink (or not) of the breakup, so you plan to return to active life, to the market. You know someone, you are attracted, you are attracted, you go home ... And suddenly you feel like Paco Martínez Soria in "The city is not for me": out of place and without being clear about what to do. Sex after a separation is a bit like losing virginity again, and can get very nervous. But calm, there are tricks so that it is not a disaster.
Having had a long relationship, the first time we face face to face with sex, specifically with sex with a person who is not our ex, it is possible that in addition to the desire and desire other guests accompany us ... unwanted.
Hi, shame, how are you here?
When a relationship ends, it is common that sex is quite touched in these last stages, that there were no fireworks in the bed, that the flame was about to extinguish, that the spark ... well, that neither spark nor anything that was flammable. It is possible that that happened, but there was some confidence, you knew your bodies, you had seen each other naked, you had smelled, you knew (or thought you knew) what the other liked and what he did not ... It was, in quotes, "play at home" .
When we face a sex session with someone new, after that time in which our sexuality has been lived exclusively with our partner, some modesty may appear: modesty before the naked, modesty for emitting certain sounds, modesty ... Pudor or directly shame.
For many this sex after a separation is like a second loss of virginity, as if having gone through one had not been enough. Thanks, brain!
In this no gender differences as some might think (I take this opportunity to encourage you to stop thinking about those little things, which we are already in the 21st century), that is to say: this return to the carnal market can make us sweat the fat drop, and not precisely because of a sexual bacchanal, both to Men as women.
There are men, for example, who in these circumstances may present difficulty maintaining an erection. And it is not surprising: if we are nervous, if we think that "we have to give up" ... well we will not be in what we have to be, and of course, what happens.
What if I don't do it right?
But, this about sex, wasn't it like riding a bike? Well yes and no. Obviously the purely mechanical component of sex, what is put on and where it is put, we know, but sex is more than that, right?
After a long time with the same (and exclusive) sexual partner, we end up getting used to certain routines, dynamics, smells and even flavors: we know how to ride a bike very well. But, What happens when we change the bike? Well, we will know how to ride, we will not fall, but until we take the trick to the gears and the peculiarities of this new bicycle we will be a little while "riding weird".
Leaving aside the simile cyclist, the truth is that one of the great fears in these "second-first-times" is to not be competent in bed. It's normal, it doesn't just happen to you. For your peace of mind: nobody is going to give you a note, it is not a test to obtain the desirable and viable maiden card, so relax and try to have the best possible time, that is the best way for the other to enjoy, too, isn't it? It seems?
Post (ex) traumatic stress
Have you seen the terrible flashes in the movies (and many in real life) of the combatants when they return home after participating in an armed conflict? Well, something similar, but much less terrible, obviously, can happen right in the middle of an encounter with a new sexual partner.
Our brain sometimes seems that more than a friend is an enemy, and instead of picking up that DVD on which we have recorded our Very best moments in bed what it does is take the homemade VHS from Sad moments with your ex.
Why is this happening? It has a lot to do with the tactile memory, with that of all the senses, with the habit: In the time in which we have been in a couple all these sexual behaviors have taken place (as long as we have been monogamous and faithful) exclusively with that person, so that we have him intimately associated with her. It is somewhat inevitable that it comes to mind, just as we will remember when we pass by our favorite cafeteria or when we listen to that song that we liked so much.
7 tips to resume sex after a separation
We are ready. Go for it. Today is sex. But ... and how do I do it? With desire, with desire and following these tips:
1. Keep calm and ... out ghosts
If he comes to visit you, in the middle of your sex session, the ghost of the old dusts (with your ex) do not panic, it is just that, a ghost of nothing. If you want to eliminate it at all, you do not need to call the Ghostbusters (although if you hum the song of the movie the same way the spectrum goes away): you just have to concentrate again on what you were doing, it sure was more interesting than that Revive with your ex.
2. Adjustment of expectations
Now that you have returned to the market, you have made expectations about how things are going to be, right? Passion in elevators, kisses and groping that cannot be repressed in the bathroom of a trendy bar ... Very movie everything, come on. But the reality that you are going to find is possible that it differs quite a lot from what you have imagined in your “gogó fantasias” nights: more than Kim Basinger in “Nine and a half weeks” it is possible that you resemble Steve Carrel in “Virgin at 40 ”. Try to have realistic expectations not to take a snap.
3. Reflect on the reasons that lead you to have sex
Ok, here you will tell me that pleasure, of course. I understand, but ... are you sure there aren't any more? Is there nothing "to make him jealous"? Nothing to “show me that I am still desirable? Nothing of "because it is what it touches"? The reasons that should lead us to have sex cannot be negative, they should not be conditioned by emotional distress, so refine your reasons and free yourself from evil.
4. And if we try ...?
If your partner did not do anything at all about anal stimulation and you were looking forward to trying it, it is possible that you can do it with one of your new sexual partners. Good! Just ask before doing anything, just in case.
5. Take the opportunity to redefine your sexuality
You have been with the same person for 10 years and although everyone had their wishes, their fantasies and their stories, the reality is that in the end we end up creating a common sexual dynamic. Reflect on what part of that dynamic really works for you and what you don't like, sexual waste!
6. Protect yourself
Safety first. Now that you embrace singleness there is a whole world of new sexual partners waiting for you, a range of new practices and fun, but there is also a catalog of sexually transmitted diseases that you don't want to try, right? Always carry a condom, and, please, use it.
It is also possible that even in a monogamous couple you have had an STD. Ideally before starting a new sex life? Make a specific analysis that leaves you alone or that allows you to remedy it.
7. Choose your sexual partners well
And with this I am not saying that you only select those who are clones of Brad Pitt in "The Fight Club" (that, eye, if you find him alive and angry for you). What I mean is that if we take into account all of the above, if we can foresee that the first meetings can be somewhat particular, we are going to try to make the person we have in front be the "friendliest" ... or at least not hostile
So it is better to do it with an acquaintance? Well it depends: there are those who for this "first-second-time" prefer a stranger (Total, so if I'm not on my best night I would not be so cut), and there are those who prefer someone with whom they have confidence, just to be relaxed because they know their situation.
Whether with an acquaintance, with an anonymous who is rich, whether trying new things or pulling a classic repertoire, the truth is that it is possible that certain nerves, insecurities or doubts appear. Being calm, not having exorbitant expectations and focusing on enjoying are the best things you can do so that this second loss of virginity is a success. Well, that and sing If there's something strange in you neighborhood, who you'll gonna call? Ghostbusters !!!!
In Jared: Machismo has sneaked into our beds: 10 sexist attitudes in sex that we don't like at all