A few weeks ago we talked to women who had decided not to breastfeed, for some reasons or for others. There we met Saray, a 28-year-old girl with a shocking history of eating and comeback disorders that led her to have her baby: a three year old girl. She tells us how she overcame anorexia and how a pregnancy is lived while you fight a battle in your mind against the scale and weight.
The first question is inevitable to understand your experience. What were the triggers that caused your anorexia?
"We were going to my friends' house to dress all together and lend themselves clothes. But I could never, because nothing was my size."
"There is no concrete reason that explains everything. To say that there is one would be to reduce this problem to something very simple. And it really is not. I started in adolescence, like most of us. I looked fatter than my classmates, the boys insulted me and I felt crap. I remember a lot when we went to my friends' house to dress all together and borrowed clothes. But I could never, because nothing was my size.
For me, losing weight was essential. But I was 13, I had no idea that there were diets, nutritionists or things like that. So I decided to stop eating. And I lost weight and saw that it worked. So I continued to starve to death and when I fell into temptation and ate something I took charge of conscience and vomited it. "
Was that when they diagnosed you?
"I was caught by a school teacher and told my parents. My mother always said that she thought that I had lost weight from the stretch, but now that I am also a mother I think I just didn't want to see him.
They took me to the psychologist who said that suffered bulimia and anorexia. Until then I didn't even know they are two different disorders. I never stopped going to the specialist since then. But I didn't always want to do it, so I got worse and they admitted me for several months. "
Why didn't you want to do it?
"I didn't want to acknowledge that I had that problem. In my time it was what children called the thinnest girls to hurt. It was somewhat pejorative, it wasn't like having a flu. "
When did you get pregnant, were you already recovered?
"You don't recover from such a thing. A person with anorexia like me always has the internal conflict with food. But it had been almost four years since they entered me and I had built a life. They hired me, I met my partner, I had my house ... Those things They help with self-esteem and make you aware of your responsibilities Also with your body.
"I had to weigh at least 52 kilos for a pregnancy to be viable."
When my husband and I decided to get pregnant, the first thing they told me is that I had to weigh at least 52 kilos to make a pregnancy viable. That was my first alert, because I was scared to think of "getting fat." Even if it was for something we both loved so much. So I wanted to cut it at the root and told my psychologist, who helped me deal with the hot flash. "
If gaining weight to get pregnant was this anguish, how was it to see you with the tripita?
"I am not going to lie to you, it was a hard road. It was very difficult for me to get pregnant, in the end I had badly mistreated my body. I had to get fertility treatments. But in the end it happened. During the whole process I had sessions with my psychologist three times a week. I also had medical check-ups very often and the nurse checked my weight and my fat percentage.
"I still had that sleeping disorder asleep in my mind."
I did not want to look. I looked huge, especially those first months in which the gut still does not come out and you swell everywhere. I had unmentionable temptations, from stop eating again until abortion because I didn't see myself able to continue. It was a very hard challenge that made me realize that, although my body is no longer at physical risk, I still had that sleeping disorder in my mind. "
What happened when the gut came out?
"As she was so thin, she noticed immediately. At 5 months she looked like a boa constrictor and was a type of body that I dealt with much better. I liked to rub my gut and I felt more at peace with myself. Of course, I wanted to prevent and continued to visit the psychologist very often in case I had a relapse. "
When giving birth how did you feel?
"It was a tough thing. I knew it was cannon fodder for a postpartum depression and everything came together. I looked flabby and with a deformed body. There I really realized that although I ate well and had an adequate weight, I still had psychology predisposition to return to my disorders. But I never wanted to be a mother who spread her problems to her daughter.
"I'd rather not have breastfed my daughter than relapsed."
Of course, I felt that I could cross the limit and wanted to put a brake on it. That's why I asked for the pill that prevents the milk from rising, because if I saw my swollen chest besides my belly I didn't know if I could bear it. I don't regret it today. I prefer not to breastfeed my daughter than to have relapsed and that my daughter had a mother with anorexia as a model. Can you imagine how traumatic that can be? "
Have you felt judged by the people around you?
"Of course, everyone has something to say. From ladies who asked me how I could not breastfeed my daughter and give up that link to a psychologist, whom I once went to, who told me that I I shouldn't be a mother because I was going to spread my obsession with the weight on my daughter and made me feel guilty. "
And now? Where are all these comings and goings?
"I still have negative thoughts and impulses, I will not say no. I think that food control is something I will always live with. But I also know that my daughter comes first and that I cannot relapse. For her, for my husband and for me. We have decided that we don't want to have any more children, but my eating disorders have nothing to do with it. We just don't feel like it.
I have a wonderful family that always supports me and I've got see me a little more as they see me and a little less as I see myself. I take care of myself, I do sports, I work like the one I do the most and I still take time to continue going to therapy and pick up the little girl from school. Tell me I do it wrong! "